What brought Daughter No. 1 back to the motherland for yet another visit was the chance to share quality time with her own mother and her in-laws on a two-week adventure. After all, she had been to most of the cities before. Daughter No. 1’s mother, (a.k.a. Blood Mother), seasoned in China travel due to numerous past trips, already had the experience of playing host to many other visiting groups in the past. However, this was Blood Mother’s first time spending an extended time with Daughter No. 1’s new family, and as a result, she felt it was her cultural responsibility to play the stereotype of Confucian parenting and prove that her Daughter could be truly deferential.
Given the weight of responsibility felt by Blood Mother, the cultural experience for everyone in the group was not limited to watching the one-child policy manifest in Chinese families cherishing their sole offspring (male and female, alike), and spoiling them with ice cream cones, laughter and shiny clothing. The group was also witness to a Chinese American Blood Mother trying to seem still in control of her daughter, who left home for 14 years, and recently decided to marry an American of mixed racial descent. The mixed marriage was met with approval--that wasn't the problem.
So picture this scene, set several miles from the Badaling (note, not recommended on weekends due to the huge crowds) section of the Great Wall. In two days, the group also tackled the Forbidden City, Summer Palace, Acrobatics Show, and a jade factory. The group of eight sits at the table, sharing their 15th meal together thusfar on the trip. Note all meals are family style, and there is no ordering, as tour groups in China always work on a pre-set menu.
The waitress places a plate of pan-fried bread stuffed with unknown meats next to Daughter No. 1, and quickly announces the dish’s name, which no-one recognizes.
Everyone: Hmm, what is that?
Daughter No. 1 reaches her chopstick toward the dish. It is unclear if she is trying to feed herself or investigate the dish.
Blood Mother: (snappishly) You should serve your father-in-law first!
Father-in-law: (bewildered) Huh?
Blood Mother: You know, kids these days, they don’t know how to respect their elders. You should always serve your parents first! My daughter is terrible. She has forgotten everything I’ve taught her.
Daughter No. 1: Uh, yeah, I was going to do that. (begins to serve her father-in-law first and ask others on the table if they want some of the mystery bread)
Blood Mother: Yah, yah, sure. You say you know, but you didn't do!
Mother in Law: I think Daughter No. 1 is a great daughter-in-law. She’s very helpful, and kind to everyone.
Blood Mother: (shaking her head, as if the previous comment was simply a courtesy) Thank you. But, your son is really terrific.
Husband No. 1 is silent, basking in praise, not questioning its source, and hoping to avoid any criticism. This is considered traitrous behavior in the eyes of Daughter No. 1, and he will bear the brunt of her rage later.
Blood Mother: You know, I get together with all my friends, and we say that Google.com has replaced mothers! My friend’s daughter just had a baby, and would rather look up answers about parenting online or email her friends on something called listserv, than ask her own mother! Can you believe that? That’s why I say Google is your new mother. Isn’t that right?
Family Friend No. 1: (not helping) You know, my daughter-in-law is Korean, and she is really sweet! She always serves me first, and constantly asks me if I want something to drink. Wow, she is really something!
Blood Mother: Well, then, you are really lucky.
The scene continues, but Daughter No. 1 loses interest, too focused on keeping her anger beneath the surface. She wants to erupt into an eight-year old tantrum, one she probably never had, for fear of punishment or humiliation; the kind she often sees overly indulged children in the supermarket throwing when their tolerance for adult activities has worn down. She knows her in-laws see the scene as something of a farce, not quite comprehending Blood Mother’s behavior. After all, the cardinal rule for most parents, Western or otherwise, is not to criticize your children in public, especially when they are over 30, and the relationship remains voluntary. But somehow, Blood Mother, in spite of all her charm, generosity, and ability to culturally navigate a foreign country, forgot to “google” that one.
